In a move that has left cyclists pedaling furiously and city planners scratching their heads, Mayor Tim DeGeeter of Parma has declared war on bicycles, declaring “four wheels good, two wheels bad” in an apparent homage to George Orwell’s Animal Farm. The announcement, which was made during a press conference at city hall, marks a dramatic shift in transportation policy and a not-so-subtle jab at the city’s growing cycling community.

“From this day forth, bicycles shall be banned from the streets of Parma, as they are a menace to society and a threat to the natural order of things,” declared DeGeeter, as he gestured emphatically with a miniature traffic cone. “It’s time to put an end to this two-wheeled tyranny and reclaim our streets for the rightful rulers of the road—cars!”

The declaration of war on bicycles, which comes on the heels of a series of controversial traffic ordinances aimed at curbing cycling in the city, has sparked outrage among Parma’s pedal-powered populace, who see the mayor’s actions as a direct attack on their way of life.

“It’s discrimination, plain and simple,” protested Sarah Johnson, a local cyclist and self-proclaimed spokes-person for the two-wheeled community. “Just because we choose to get around on two wheels instead of four doesn’t make us second-class citizens. We have just as much right to the road as anyone else.”

But DeGeeter remains unfazed by the backlash, insisting that his war on bicycles is necessary to protect the safety and sanity of Parma’s residents.

“Bicycles are a menace to public safety, clogging up our streets and causing chaos at every turn,” declared DeGeeter, as he brandished a copy of Animal Farm for emphasis. “It’s time to restore order and bring an end to this two-wheeled revolution once and for all.”

Yet, while the mayor’s declaration of war on bicycles may have garnered applause from motorists and city officials, others have questioned the wisdom of such a drastic move, pointing out that cycling is a healthy, environmentally friendly alternative to driving.

“It’s like something out of a dystopian novel,” remarked one incredulous resident, as they watched a group of cyclists stage a protest outside city hall, waving signs that read “Two Wheels, One Love” and “Bike Rights Matter.” “I half expect to see the mayor riding around in a tank, crushing bicycles underfoot.”

Nevertheless, Parma’s mayor remains undeterred in his quest to rid Parma’s streets of bicycles, vowing to press ahead with his war on two wheels until every last pedal-powered vehicle has been banished from the city.

“After all, as George Orwell so eloquently put it, ‘four wheels good, two wheels bad,'” declared DeGeeter, as he climbed into his Ford Bronco and sped off into the sunset, leaving a trail of confused cyclists in his wake.

And so, as the war on bicycles rages on in Parma, one thing is for certain: the battle for the streets is far from over. Whether the Parma mayor’s declaration of war will ultimately lead to victory for cars or a pedal-powered rebellion remains to be seen. But one thing is for certain: in Parma, the wheels of progress are turning, for better or for worse.