In a shocking declaration that has left geopolitical analysts scratching their heads and Russian language learners reevaluating their Duolingo progress, Vladimir Putin, the illustrious czar of all things Russia, has announced plans to expand the borders of the Russian Empire to encompass every nook and cranny where Russian speakers reside.

“Where there is vodka, there shall be Russia,” declared Putin.

Addressing a bewildered audience from the opulent halls of the Kremlin, Putin, sporting his signature steely gaze and a fur hat that could double as a small yurt, outlined his audacious vision for a new era of Russian dominance. “Where there is vodka, there shall be Russia,” declared Putin, as he sipped from a crystal glass filled with what was presumably pure Russian tears.

The announcement sent shockwaves throughout the international community, with leaders scrambling to locate their old Babushka dolls for comfort. “This is truly unprecedented,” remarked one flustered diplomat, while desperately attempting to conjugate a few Russian verbs for good measure.

The implications of Putin’s grand scheme are far-reaching. Suddenly, your Aunt Olga, who lives in Boise, Idaho, and insists on beginning every conversation with “In Soviet Russia…”, finds herself unwittingly thrust into the spotlight as a potential pawn in Putin’s global chess game.

Experts are already predicting a surge in Russian language classes worldwide, as eager citizens attempt to curry favor with their new overlords by mastering phrases such as “Слава Путину!” (Glory to Putin!) and “Не мешай!” (Don’t interfere!), just in case Uncle Vlad decides to drop by for a surprise visit.

Meanwhile, in a desperate bid to avoid annexation, some countries are considering extreme measures. In an emergency session of Parliament, one British lawmaker proposed issuing mandatory tea breaks and introducing “Queen’s English Only” zones as a deterrent. However, experts fear that these efforts may be in vain, as Putin reportedly chuckled and muttered something about “Crimea River” under his breath.

Back in Russia, celebrations are in full swing, with citizens gleefully dusting off their old Soviet uniforms and practicing their best authoritarian scowls in preparation for the impending empire expansion. “It’s like the good old days,” remarked one babushka, as she expertly knitted a sweater adorned with Putin’s face.

But not everyone is thrilled about the prospect of a Russian renaissance. Concerns have been raised about the fate of non-Russian speakers living within the newly expanded borders. Reports of panic buying of Russian-English dictionaries and Rosetta Stone subscriptions have surfaced, as terrified citizens brace themselves for the inevitable onslaught of Cyrillic signage and incomprehensible accents.

As the world watches nervously from the sidelines, one thing is clear: with Putin at the helm, anything is possible. So, whether you’re brushing up on your “dasvidaniya” or hastily Googling “how to fake a Russian accent,” one thing’s for certain – in Putin’s brave new world, resistance may be futile, but laughter is always welcome. So grab your balalaikas and raise a toast to Mother Russia, because it looks like we’re all in for one wild ride. До свидания! (Goodbye!)